Touchy Feelings

Those who know me well enough, knows that I am very static emotionally. I think I just don't process emotions well (I guess Asher got it from his dad). Maybe it is being the only child, maybe it was my Asian parents/culture upbringing, maybe it is my inner instinct shutting down because I am incapable of handling that emotional overload. 

One such instance was when my family and I left everything in Singapore for the US in 1999. I can still recall the scene at the airport, my classmates and my church family friends sobbing and waving goodbye and I just wave back nonchalantly as we quickly shuffled through the customs, At that moment, I think I was too afraid to look back. Not a single tear (even though I have rehearsed that scene countless times in my imagination that I should cry... at least that's what what people did on TV dramas), not even a tad of sadness... in fact... I remembered that I was slightly excited as I was already anticipating the next chapter of my life. Well... until about 3 years later when it finally hit me one night and I sobbed uncontrollably. 

One thing I've learned about becoming a parent and getting older is that either I've grown to become more aware of my emotions or that I have allowed myself to become more vulnerable. As far as being a parent, I am still trying to navigate what is the right way to express your feelings. Trying to strip off the beliefs that I held as truths from my upbringing - boys don't cry, tears are from the weak, hold yourself together and just do what you are supposed to do. At the meantime showing my kids the fine balance of expressing your emotions but not letting it go out of control. Apologizing to them when that happens. 

The encouraging sermon from Pastor Todd in the past week was, "God finds us in an emotional jungle but He doesn't turn us into an emotional desert, but into an emotional garden with life, color, order." For the most part of my life, I've been trained to stay in the emotional desert, to file my emotional jungle folder away... it worked for the most part of my life until the cracks start to show through marriage and being a parents myself, when issues cannot be simply filed away and having to start to deal with them as they resurface. 

For the past few weeks, I have found myself in this unfamiliar emotional jungle - feelings of disappointment, betrayal, cynicism... things that I would quickly file away in the past so I can fallback onto my emotional desert *(For those going @@ what's going on with Darren?!?! Folks, please calm down, it's not really that big of an issue, probably only a 3 on a scale of 10, except it felt very personal). This time, I've let it stayed, partly because Adele and I are going through it together (even though she's only on the denial stage), and it is comforting to have someone I trust to help me process these feelings (compare to filing it away and pretending they were not there to begin with). At the same time, I'm letting it dwell a little, as I want to grapple with it a little longer and would hope to see God's emotional garden flourish (shameless school theme of the year plugged lol). 

I am ultimately the hopeful optimist. I would like to be able to tell my children that it is okay to feel those feelings and seek healing and comfort through Him. While life is hard and full of disappointments throughout, we can still find our hope in Him, not in the hopeless religious king of way but witnessing and experiencing it for reals sort of way. 

Alright wrapping this up since this is the maximum amount of touchy feeling stuff I can type on one entry.